(With Links to All The Real News You Need If You Weren’t Watching Democracy In Action)
by Jason Vest
Iowa Voters To Trump: You’re Not Exactly Fired, But We Really Like The Cruz And Rubio Apprentices
GOP Establishment Hopes Trump’s Public Mulling About ‘Buying a Farm‘ Indicates Subconscious Death Wish
Trump Now Claims He Mixed Up Fox News Women Who Might Pose Threat To His Campaign; Really Meant To Try To Bully Palin Into Submission
Trump: Expectations of Decisive Iowa Win, and With It Actual Explosion of Rich Lowry and Bill Kristol’s Heads, Dashed; Republicans and Democrats Alike Rue Lack of Latter, Start Plotting on How to Go Dave Brat On Editors They Both Hate
Cruz Gracious In Defeating Iowa Ethanol Lobby: Says Corn Has Its Place
Rubio To Jeb: My Neocons Are Better Than Your Neocons
Rubio To Christie: My Establishment Hedge Fund Donors Are Better Than Your Establishment Hedge Fund Donors
Cruz To Rubio And Christie: I Don’t Know If It’s More Amazing That My Establishment Hedge Fund Donors Are Better Than Both Y’All’s, Or That I Get Their Money AND Get To Be An “Anti-Establishment Candidate”
Rubio: My Strong Third-Place Finish Is So Much Easier to Understand Than My Three Houses
Sanders to Clinton: Triangulate This
Clinton: Of the 1%, Winning by .3%
Clinton’s Future: Looking Like Rahm Emmanuel’s Present?
Sanders: To The Concord Station
Sanders To Channel Upton Sinclair: I, President: A True Story of the Future shortly forthcoming; likely sequel I, Candidate for President; and How I Got Licked Scheduled for 2017 Release
Cruz: God, Goldwater, and Goldman Sachs
Jeb’s Hail-Mary Schiavo Ad Only Latest Reflection of Bush Campaign Being Brain-Dead And On Life-Support
Carson: Craps Pants In Debates and In Iowa; Flees to Bush and Rubio’s Dirty State To Rinse Stains
Jesus to Carson: You Remind Me Of Another Time I Had To Deliver Some Bad News About Contest Prospects
O’Malley: Being In This One Percent Blows
Christie: Eating It In Iowa, Saving Room for New Hampshire
Santorum: Living Up To The Name In Shitty Numbers, Gets Flushed
Huckabee: I (Heart) Duggars
Fiorina: Like Hewlett-Packard When She Ran It: On The Cutting Edge Of Marginality
Paul: Dude, Where’s My Utopian Voter Bloc?
Kasich: Apparently Having Been an Ax-Wielding Budget Zealot in the Reagan and Gingrich Revolutions and Current Governor of Ohio Only Gets You Two Bits and a Cup of Coffee in Iowa
Gilmore: Less Than Zero. §
Jason Vest agrees with H.L. Mencken that it’s almost impossible to make a career in politics without embracing the ignoble and vulgar.
