At first glance you might be skeptical about a black Jamaican-born dwarf who infamously got his eye shot out in a domestic dispute, as cabinet-level material.
Department of Satire
Pre-Vetting Memo
From: Transition Staff
To: VP-Elect Pence
It was recently brought to our attention that the field of candidates to fill key new positions in the Administration is, well, a little white. Okay, a lot white. And, after Ben withdrew his name from consideration on Tuesday, like, Klan-rally-in-a-blizzard-white. We’re not quite sure what to do about this, as we feel like we’re getting conflicting signals. Steve keeps saying “think back to the future,” that we really need to reassure the white voting bloc of the New Model Coalition that the 1950s are just around the corner—which is already hard enough to do without old-school Jim Crow. (The libs are hip to the new kind, dammit, but with our man Jefferson Beauregard Sessions heading to Justice, looks like happy days of the new being old and the old being new are just around the corner.) And Chuck has kind of menaced that thinking outside the box might put us on the To-Be-Transitioned-From-The-Transition list.
But Reince and Kellyanne seem to think we need to make at least some nod to racial diversity, but on uniquely Trumpian terms: Even if insanity is not only not a disqualifier, but a recommender, in this nascent Administration, any nominees we make cannot be drawn from the usual suspects. Or, as Kellyanne put it, “I don’t want to see Herman Cain or Alan Keyes on the list. Find someone’s who’s a real political outsider.”
So we think we’ve got a good one, and for SecDef, at that: Bushwick Bill of the Geto Boys.
Now we know, Mr. Vice President-elect, that as a white Christian conservative from Indiana, at first glance, you might be skeptical about a black Jamaican-born dwarf who infamously got his eye shot out in a domestic dispute, as Cabinet-level material. But he might be more your kind of guy than you think. And if you take away the “black Jamaican-born” part, Bushwick could fit right in with any of J.D. Vance’s Hillbilly Elegy family, We know that comparison might not sit well with our white supremacist—check that, white nationalist—bloc, but we think we can use it to our advantage in an SNL “Black Jeopardy” kind of way.
As you know (or maybe not—some say you’re “Quayle v2.0,” while Milo calls you “that clueless Hoosier fuck,” which is actually a term of endearment—if he didn’t like you he’d say “cuck”), the President-elect’s national security/foreign policy stance during the campaign was to righteously excoriate Bush 43 elites and Democratic elite enablers for undertaking an unnecessary war costly in blood and treasure on the one hand and, on the other hand, promise decisive unilateral action against truly deserving enemies that might make even circa ’64 Barry Goldwater blush. The President-elect has also repeatedly emphasized his desire, however hazily, to improve the lot of African-Americans, which appears to have gotten some traction well beyond our top black booster.
While we suspect that, if you heard it at all, you were probably reflexively opposed to anything labeled “gansta rap” in 1991, we think that the band’s Bushwick Bill-authored “Fuck A War” very presciently articulated many of the sentiments on war Mr. Trump has seen and tapped into during the campaign:
Motherfuck a war, that’s how I feel
Sendin’ a nigga to a dentist to get killed
‘Cause two suckas can’t agree on something
A thousand motherfuckers died for nothing
As we know, the President-elect will most definitely not be sending members of the working class to be cannon fodder (especially when his children can continue bilking and stiffing them, while he rounds up and deports at least a few million of the browner ones). But it’s Bushwick’s stance on use of nuclear weapons, though, that really excites us.
Admittedly, Bushwick would prefer to have his finger on the button. But given the decisive zeal of his position, we suspect that he’d be happy for a subordinate-but-synergistic policy relationship with Mr. Trump. Unlike Kissinger, who couldn’t rise to his president’s exhortation to “think big,” and more like Richard Perle, who was always keen to “move up the escalation ladder,” we have no doubt that Bushwick would champion an eschewal of diplomacy for swift, decisive, taxpayer-efficient military action when obviously necessary:
You’re lucky that I ain’t the president
‘Cause I’ll push the fuckin’ button and get it over wit
Fuck all that waitin’ and procrastinatin’
And all that goddamn negotiatin’
Flyin’ back and forth overseas
And havin’ lunch and brunch with the motherfuckin’ enemies
I’ll aim one missle at Iraq
And blow that little piece of shit off the map
Yeah, I wouldn’t give a fuck who it ices
‘Cause I’m tired of payin’ these high-ass gas prices
Clearly someone not only attuned to populist sensibilities, but also a potentially excellent collaborator for John Bolton, wherever John ends up in the New Order.
This is not to say that Bushwick’s confirmation would be without challenge, even in a rubber-stamp Senate. We acknowledge that Bushwick’s derisive metaphorical allusion to the United States for its perceived institutional and international racism
You can’t pay me to join an army camp
Or any other motherfuckin’ military branch
of this United goddamn States of this bitch America
Be a soldier, what for?
They puttin’ niggas on the front line
But when it comes to gettin’ ahead, they put us way behind
The enemy is right here g, them foreigners never did shit me
All of those wasted lives
And only one or two get recognized
But what good is a medal when you’re dead? Tell Uncle Sam I said
I ain’t goin’ to war for a shit-talkin’ president
Fuck fuck fuck a war
could present problems at a confirmation hearing, as could his near-deportation as a result of drug charges after a lapse in sobriety some years back. But on the other hand, the adjudication of Bushwick’s case shows the immigration system can, in fact, be fair and just; and Bushwick’s status as a born-again Christian (including calls for self-reliance and responsibility) since the late aughts, and astute assessment of a certain timeless quality in veterans’ issues, all but makes him an expert and broadly-appealing sympathetic figure:
You know how Uncle Sam treat its veterans
Absolutely no respect
Get a plate in your head, lose a leg, you might get a check
We also note, as a bonus for our brand of anti-Republican-Elitism, that Bushwick’s “Fuck A War” lyrics—which, though written during the first Gulf War, could easily apply to the second—show no love for the House of Bush, and indeed an unambiguous desire to punish gratuitous warmongering elites:
I ain’t gettin’ my leg shot off
While Bush’s old ass on t.v. playin’ golf
But when you come to my house with that draft shit
I’ma shoot your funky ass bitch
A nigga’ll die for a broil
But I ain’t fightin’ behind no goddamn oil
Against motherfuckas I don’t know
Yo Bush! I ain’t your damn ho
In sum, Bushwick seems to perfectly capture the national security sentiments that have propelled Mr. Trump to power: Weariness with war and contempt for elites on the one hand, but a desire for maximalist unilateral action on the other. And beyond policy matters, we think Bushwick and the President-elect would get on well on a personal level: While the scale of reversals of fortune between the two is vast, Bushwick’s 1995 “Times is Hard” kind of parallels Mr. Trump’s bankruptcy rise and falls, and perhaps reflects a “come to Jesus” dimension the President-elect has had with regard to women and chronic scoff-lawing upon his election:
Rollin’ through my hood like a superstar
Turnin’ corner after corner in my brand new cars
These hos used to call me baller
But that was before I lost my grip, now they barely even calla
Player ‘cuz they know that I’m broke
No Rolex, no Benz just spokes (shit)
Now that I’m back to life, and back to reality
Got one life which ain’t shit without a salary
No more playing mack daddy for you skeezers
I got one lover, I love her, so I’ma please her
And leave you tramps alone
Since I’m getting shit straight, I’m starting at home
I’m on a long road to nowhere if I don’t change
Life with no crime on my mind feels strange
Working like a motherfucker, slick like a Benz seat
Backing off my old hustle, trying to make these ends meet
It is possible, however, that Bushwick might consider Mr. Trump to be exactly the “shit talkin’ president” for whom one wouldn’t go to war; and that the Little Big Man with the jaundiced-but-astute one eye might see some other Administration nominees as being hostile to minorities. Perhaps the real question is, how much of the old “Fuck A War,” ‘hood vs. The Man Bushwick is there with the newer born-again, get-the-behind-me-gangsta Bushwick? Though someone is actually in the process of figuring this out, we recommend sending Milo to sound this out. Whether he comes back with a cap on his tooth or a cap busted in his ass, someone, somewhere, will be happy. §
The Secretary of Satire thinks the Geto Boys’ “Mind Playin’ Tricks on Me” is one of the best songs ever, but in light of recent events, also recommends doses of Public Enemy’s “Fight The Power” and Steve Earle’s “Mississippi, It’s Time.”
