Too much in my head
“Another time, when an old man asked what would be the best thing to have on hand during old age, Musonius Rufus said, ‘the very same thing that is best to have during one’s youth: living the right way and in accordance with nature.’”
Photo and story by Stacey Warde
More than once I’ve been told, “You’re too much in your head.” It’s true; there’s a lot of racket going on up there.
In high school, some friends nicknamed me “Spacey.” I’d zone out, stare off into space, which I now know is a way to escape pain, a sign of trauma. In my head. Disconnecting from the world.
Where did I learn about my head problems?
1. Martial arts – getting back into my body
Sensei pointed out I would do better by thinking less, analyzing every move, the opposite of what I’d been taught in school, or learned at home. Relax! he’d say. Breathe, and let your body do the work! He told me this early in my training, after I’d injured myself overthinking the practice, before the hakima and a black belt, in which there’s little to no time to think.
2. Music – Listening, not only with the ears
I’ve studied music since sixth grade and still feel like a beginner. [Incidentally, when Sensei awarded me black belt status after 10 years of study, he said, “Now, you start kindergarten.” We laughed but knew it was true.] I’m learning to listen again — with my entire body. What’s the vibe?
I’m taking music lessons again [at McCormick School of Music where I’ve had the good fortune to connect with teacher/jazz jam host Jacob Chatfield, whose ears are attuned to what I’m still learning to recognize, the tones and rhythms, for example, that escape my notice.] I feel like a beginner again. Jacob recently and politely noted that playing the keyboard might come more easily if I weren’t so much in my head. It’s true! Lotta junk up there. Still disassociating. Just not as much.
So, what is “according to nature” as urged by Stoic philosophers like Musonius Rufus? What makes us human? Or virtuous? [I’ve often thought that “virtue” has a prissy ring to it. A kind of religion based on the nebulous notion of what is “good.” Virtue, of course, is much more than being good. Virtue makes humans happy, and a community thrive. Virtuous actions evoke admiration and gratitude, sometimes tears. They create warmth and community. Ultimately, it’s learning to be fully, completely human as reflected in behaviors that benefit the tribe or community or polis.]
Each time I ask these questions about what makes a human human, I’m brought back to the joy of learning how to take falls like a child to avoid injury when an attacker throws me. I’m brought back to my first scales worked out and attacked on the piano. “Sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down,” a joyful, sometimes sad, beginner. When everything feels new, and curiosities are abundant.
It’s easy to get lost in my head, especially this festive time of year. I’ve mastered this art of head work through various methods and I can say with some authority that ducking out, getting lost in one’s head, analyzing the details, isn’t always the best way to handle things. Sometimes, a person must act, without overkilling the details.
It’s worse, I believe, if you want to be human, to lose interest altogether, to think you know something, to get stuck in your head, and to stop being curious, which is probably the most obvious sign of something that is against human nature.
Stacey Warde writes from his home in Orange County where escape through one’s head is certain to become a public health hazard. This item first appeared at Stacey’s blog space, Abusive Elder on Substack.
