Takeaways From the Iowa Caucuses In Headlines And Slogans You Might Have Missed In Mainstream Reports

(With Links to All The Real News You Need If You Weren’t Watching Democracy In Action)

by Jason Vest

COMMENT.TED CRUZIowa Voters To Trump: You’re Not Exactly Fired, But We Really Like The Cruz And Rubio Apprentices

GOP Establishment Hopes Trump’s Public Mulling About ‘Buying a Farm‘ Indicates Subconscious Death Wish

Trump Now Claims He Mixed Up Fox News Women Who Might Pose Threat To His Campaign; Really Meant To Try To Bully Palin Into Submission

Trump: Expectations of Decisive Iowa Win, and With It Actual Explosion of Rich Lowry and Bill Kristol’s Heads, Dashed;  Republicans and Democrats Alike Rue Lack of Latter, Start Plotting on How to Go Dave Brat On Editors They Both Hate

Cruz Gracious In Defeating Iowa Ethanol Lobby: Says Corn Has Its Place

Rubio To Jeb: My Neocons Are Better Than Your Neocons

Rubio To Christie: My Establishment Hedge Fund Donors Are Better Than Your Establishment Hedge Fund Donors

Cruz To Rubio And Christie: I Don’t Know If It’s More Amazing That My Establishment Hedge Fund Donors Are Better Than Both Y’All’s, Or That I Get Their Money AND Get To Be An “Anti-Establishment Candidate”

Rubio: My Strong Third-Place Finish Is So Much Easier to Understand Than My Three Houses

Sanders to Clinton: Triangulate This

Clinton: Of the 1%, Winning by .3%

Clinton’s Future: Looking Like Rahm Emmanuel’s Present?

Sanders: To The Concord Station

Sanders To Channel Upton Sinclair:  I, President: A True Story of the Future shortly forthcoming; likely sequel I, Candidate for President; and How I Got Licked Scheduled for 2017 Release

Cruz: God, Goldwater, and Goldman Sachs

Jeb’s Hail-Mary Schiavo Ad Only Latest Reflection of Bush Campaign Being Brain-Dead And On Life-Support

Carson: Craps Pants In Debates and In Iowa; Flees to Bush and Rubio’s Dirty State To Rinse Stains

Jesus to Carson: You Remind Me Of Another Time I Had To Deliver Some Bad News About Contest Prospects

O’Malley: Being In This One Percent Blows

Christie: Eating It In Iowa, Saving Room for New Hampshire

Santorum: Living Up To The Name In Shitty Numbers, Gets Flushed

Huckabee: I (Heart) Duggars

Fiorina: Like Hewlett-Packard When She Ran It: On The Cutting Edge Of Marginality

Paul: Dude, Where’s My Utopian Voter Bloc?

Paul: Iowa Shrugged

Kasich: Apparently Having Been an Ax-Wielding Budget Zealot in the Reagan and Gingrich Revolutions and Current Governor of Ohio Only Gets You Two Bits and a Cup of Coffee in Iowa

Gilmore: Less Than Zero. §

Jason Vest agrees with H.L. Mencken that it’s almost impossible to make a career in politics without embracing the ignoble and vulgar.

 

If you've got an itch to say something, say it!