Tag Archives: Muslim

On the run after Trump win

It’s not easy being Muslim in a country that thinks you’re Mexican

Poet and author Ibrahim Ahmed, a Muslim who has been mistaken for a Mexican, went into hiding soon after Donald Trump declared he would banish Muslims from the US. He was last seen heading for Mexico.

by Ibrahim Ahmed

Now that fiction counts as news it’s getting harder to know the difference, or why it even matters.

I doubt anyone knows when I’m reporting news or creating fiction that traffics as “news,” and it doesn’t seem to matter, not when you can create your own story, your own version of the “facts,” and make money and increase your followers on Twitter. I do it all the time.

I’ve been telling my wife, for example, all kinds of stories, some factual, some not, and she, in turn, has been making up stories about me. I’ve been cherry-picking bits and pieces of these stories and posting them as “news,” some of which have gone viral.

My wife’s not impressed, however, and she’s started sending me turd and foot fetish emojis in response.

Recently, she got pissed about my drinking and bar-hopping, and turned me over to the feds by telling them I’ve run off to Syria to meet with ISIS recruiters. She thinks I’m hiding out in Fresno. She thinks I’m a no-good bum, drinking, carousing and running from the law.

She threatened to vote for Trump if I didn’t come home immediately. I told her she’d regret it, and she’d get deported, and she’d just have to wait until I take care of some personal business before I come home.

“Personal business?” she mocked. “You call masturbation ‘personal business’.”

My wife’s not impressed, however, and she’s started sending me turd and foot fetish emojis.

Contrary to rumors, I’m not working the streets of Las Vegas, posing as a high-rent hooker and robbing people once I get them into their motel rooms, nor have I given up my manhood, nor do I plan to come out as the world’s first Muslim transvestite who’s about to have the “procedure.”

In fact, I’ve been hiding out in Orange County, Calif., living briefly with a Mormon couple that took pity on me after the election. I’d been haunting Laguna Beach bars, sleeping in my car, when I decided to try a bar in Irvine.

I met them at the bar down the street from their home. I could tell right away they were good people. Nice shoes, nice clothes, prim and proper, hair in all of the right places, although they’d come, they told me, to let their “hair down a little,” even though Mormons don’t ordinarily drink.

“Are you from Mexico?” they wanted to know.

“Ah, no, I’m recently from Fresno, where I lived in a ramshackle trailer for a few weeks and worked with a crew of Mexicans as a farmhand because the rancher thought I was…”

“Oh, you poor fella!” the wife interjected. “You’re a migrant worker!”

They told me about their love of canning and building a family, and the husband winked, after his second beer, when he hinted at the possibilities of a heaven populated with many wives. He seemed to know I’d like that idea. We downed a few more beers and pretty soon they were inviting me to come stay with them “until the heat dies down, maybe after they build that wall.”

I moved into an extra room, which they had turned into a pantry, its walls lined with canned goods and basic staples. I quickly scored a job with Uber. The couple thought I was a Mexican immigrant until, after a week of living with them, they saw my “morning prayers.”

I’d left the door cracked a little and was on the floor, kneeling down, looking under the cot for my car keys, and blurted out in a panic:  “Please, Allah, just let me find my keys and get back home to Grover Beach before my wife, or some alt-right kook, kills me first.”

The wife was standing there and she was horrified. “Would you mind handing me that bag of flour above your head, please?” she asked, pretending she hadn’t seen me kneeling on the floor or heard my pitiful supplication. Then, “Are you Mexican and Muslim?”

“Well, sort of….” I didn’t know what to tell her. I’d made up so many stories, I didn’t know where to begin. If Facebook can destroy the world of thought and conversation by doling out unfettered lies and fake news, I mused, then I will start by telling the truth. “…I’m on the run, actually.…”

“OH.MY.GOD!” She dropped the bag of flour on the floor and it burst into a white Jackson Pollock mess all over the tiles. “You’re a Mexican terrorist?!”

“No, ma’am, I’m not a Mexican and I’m not a terrorist, I’m a Muslim, a not-so-good Muslim, on the run from my wife, who’s turned me into the feds, and now she wants me back…”

“Get out!” the husband shouted. He stood behind me, shotgun cradled in his arm. “GET OUT!” With his free hand, he waved me out of the house. “Get your things and get out!”


“Leave! You’re not welcome here anymore.”

I grabbed my belongings and I as walked out the door, I heard the wife on her phone, “Yes, homeland security?”

I drove straight to the nearest used car lot and made a quick transaction, trading in my Honda for a VW bus and headed south to Laguna Beach to have a few drinks at the Marine Room Tavern where a live band was playing the blues.

I found a place at the bar and ordered a whisky.The place was jumping and between songs an old man playing the trombone slammed down his vodka tonic, grabbed the mic and shouted: “Let’s all get drunk and be somebody!” §

Ibrahim Ahmed is a poet and essayist who has been hiding from the feds, sending dispatches from the road about what it’s like to be a Muslim in America.


Ibrahim Ahmed speaks out on Trump’s disdain for Muslims


Soon after Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump suggested we bar all non-citizen Muslims from entering the U.S. and participating in American culture and life, Ibrahim Ahmed, a poet and contributing author to The Rogue Voice, who has been with us from the beginning, even during the worst of the Bush years, went into hiding.

Never before has Ibrahim, a naturalized citizen of the U.S., felt compelled to remove his face from the public square, not even during the spike in attacks on Muslims in the U.S. after 9/11.

Some of his enemies claim that he’s put on a hijab and is posing as a woman, working the streets of Las Vegas as a high-rent hooker and robbing people once he gets them into their motel rooms; others say he’s become one of the world’s first Muslim transvestites to come out of the closet and is on his way to do a TV special with Caitlin Jenner before he has “The Procedure,” both of which he would find offensive if he was as much of a hater as Donald Trump is. But Ibrahim is not a hater, and we caught up with him in Fresno, where the farmers there think he’s a Mexican, and where he’s living in a mouse-infested trailer and for the last week has been working in the fields as a farmhand. The trailer is set back deep behind a stand of old oaks beside a dried up creek bed and was probably once used as a meth lab but the crusty hovel keeps Ibrahim safe from, and out of view of, Muslim haters—at least for now.

THE ROGUE VOICE: Ibrahim, it took us awhile to track you down, why did you go into hiding? Why the sudden disappearance? We’ve been worried about you. And…how did you find this shithole?

IBRAHIM AHMED: First, let’s just say up front that I’m not a jihadist, I’m a Muslim. My religion is a peaceful one. Second, I’m not hiding. I live in a different shithole in Grover Beach. I came to Fresno to meet some friends, go have a few drinks, and maybe go dancing, and the next thing I know, I wake up and here I am, sleeping and working with a bunch of Mexicans who are really nice, not rapists. Can you help me get the fuck outta here?

RV: Seems pretty obvious to me, ‘Rahim, that you’re not a “jihadist.” Why would anyone think that?

IA: Americans are a deeply divided and fearful people. They always have been, from the very beginning. Slavery and elitism made certain of that. Even the Founders warned of how divisive this nation might become because of inequalities between slave and free. Remember the Civil War? Then, there’s ignorance, of which there seems to be plenty in America. Americans, especially Republicans, tend to be less educated than the rest of the world and have not benefited from their isolation from other nations, or from their lack of military service. Most Americans speak English only and eat their meals watching Fox News or MSNBC, and many would be considered slow or “special” in other parts of the world, and I don’t mean in the “exceptional” sense of the word where Americans think they are better than everyone else. In most cases, they are not. Does that make me a jihadist? Can we go now?

RV: ‘Rahim, federal agents from ICE visited your home recently and brought your wife in for questioning after you disappeared. I guess they’ve been monitoring your calls and reading your poetry and building a case against you, claiming you are not really who you say you are. Are you not guilty of spewing anti-American propaganda and stirring up unrest in Grover Beach, questioning the values of our political system, and calling it a rigged game for the wealthy?

IA: Well, I did not say any of those things, and my wife…she doesn’t know where I am, does she? Oh, Allah, she’s going to kick my ass when I get home. Maybe we could stop for some drinks on the way outta here. Whaddya say?

RV: Um, well, I guess your wife was pretty pissed off about you going on a drinking binge in Fresno with your friends without talking to her first about it and she told the agents that you’d flown to Syria to join ISIS, and that you could go fuck yourself for going the way of the devil. Go ahead and blow yourself up, for all she cares! The feds put out a bulletin to all local law enforcement with your mug on it. They’re looking for you, ‘Rahim. You could be in danger. It might not be safe to go home.

IA: Christ! I mean, all praise and glory to you, Allah! This is all Donald Trump’s fault. If he hadn’t declared an American jihad against Muslims, I wouldn’t be in this mess right now. I could go home and straighten things out with the wife, maybe lift up her burka and…oh, forget it! Goddamn it! This country has turned into the land of pussies not the free! Even Obama is considered a pussy now, according to Fox News. A buncha scaredy cats who wouldn’t know the difference between a Muslim, a socialist, or a jihadist, even if they met one. If you live in a free country but you’re always scared of refugees and children, you’re not really free, are you?

What’s wrong with this country, I ask you? I’ll tell you. People stopped being decent to one another. There’s no decency, not in the media, not in the social networks, not on talk radio, not in the government…have you ever tried driving LA freeways? No one talks to anyone any more. No one listens. Everyone is screaming at the top of their lungs, honking their horns. The rich started crying and whimpering and complaining, and the working class started crying and whimpering and complaining. Where does it end? Who’s going to fix it? I’ll tell you as soon as we leave this Allah-forsaken place. Can we go now?

RV: One last thing, ‘Rahim. It’s getting dark soon and we can leave under cover of darkness. OK? Until then, what advice would you give Americans who think we should keep Muslims out of the country?

IA: I would say, yes, be afraid, America, be very afraid, but do not fear the Muslims; fear instead the Donald Trumps, the haters, and the small-minded, who would convince you that we all are jihadists and work for ISIS. Americans must understand after all that ISIS has killed more Muslims than Americans and Europeans. But the Donald Trumps do not tell you that. They say we are all dangerous, that we pose a threat, that we must shut down our mosques, but then a crazy white guy goes into a health clinic or a school and blows a bunch of people away. Who can you trust? Be afraid.

RV: You can trust me, ‘Rahim. Let’s get outta here! And leave your gun here, don’t take it with you. Give it to your Mexican friends. Come on, let’s scram! §

Stacey Warde is a farmhand and publisher of The Rogue Voice. This interview was not recorded and no notes were taken.